A troublesome trio of teenaged truth-seekers seek to proudly produce their own origin stories

Robin Noodelman

Last week a number of students from the York activist group, Humanity Now!, got together for a protest at the pond behind Stong Residence. Sources say what started off as an orderly protest against the administration’s refusal to address the extreme amounts of radioactivity in the water culminated in three protesters throwing themselves into the pond. Despite the health risks and sub-zero temperatures, they remained in the water for several minutes before going into shock.

Low Calibre spoke with the three activists once their condition had stabilized at North York General Hospital.

“This was a calculated demonstration of anger,” said elected leader Clark Brahams, pausing between sentences to violently shiver. “We are willing to sacrifice our bodies until this very real threat is dealt with.”

Chelsea Gomez, whose right eye was completedly swollen over due to infection, echoed the sentiment: “Our demands are simple and reasonable. All we ask is for York University to commit to a full investigation by Environment Canada and agree to any and all changes they suggest be made to the pond.”

“All we want is a healthy campus,” says the third student activist, Prakesh Patil. “That, and superpowers.”

Patil’s comment created a tense moment in the hospital room, as the other two students quickly attempted to save face in light of the confession.

“I’m holding out for a mutation on the genetic level, rather than the cellular,” Patil continued. “Think silver-age X-Men, as opposed to modern-age Spider-Man. Obviously, I would love the power of flight, but I wouldn’t be opposed to telekinesis.”

Gomez interrupted Patil to remind him that if he were to develop flight powers, he would at least need partial invulnerability to keep his body from breaking down from the sheer force of air currents.

“That’s why I’m hoping for some sort of stable teleportation loop skill, like Ultimate Nightcrawler,” says Gomez, before adding, “or maybe Kitty Pryde.”

Visiting hours ended just as Brahams launched into a spirited argument comparing the subtle differences between Plastic Man and Elongated Man, cutting our interview short.

While the three students had differing opinions on how their time in the pond would affect their overall health, Dr. Rima Kapoor, chief oncologist at the hospital, has a different outlook.

“It is my professional opinion that those three are suffering from mild pneumonia, pinkeye, and minute staph infections,” says Dr. Kapoor as she briskly filled out DNR documents.

“And a truly shocking amount of cancerous tumors across the board.”

The York administration has yet to respond to Environment Canada’s offer for an investigation.

DISCLAIMER: This issue contains works of satire. All names used in this story are invented, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names or events is accidental and coincidental.

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By Excalibur Publications



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