Canadian Blood Services announces muggle blood ban

Their previous motto, “Die screaming, muggle filth!” tested poorly in focus groups. - Mark Grant.

Citing health concerns, only “pure-blooded” wizards and witches, or “exceptional half-bloods” will be allowed to donate

Leslie Armstrong
Arts Editor

Their previous motto, “Die screaming, muggle filth!” tested poorly in focus groups. - Mark Grant.

As of January 2012, Canadian Blood Services at York will no longer be accepting donors of “muggle” (non-magical) descent, announced the head of Canadian Blood Services and chief warlock of the Crescent Moon Guild, Arsenius Sanguine, at a press conference last week.

He commented that this measure will be put into place in favour of “pure-blooded” individuals, thus weeding out “mudbloods”.

“We can’t accept dirty blood anymore,” said Sanguine, when asked to explain why the measure was taken. “This is for the good of Vol— for the good of humanity.”

When asked to explain further, he covered the top half of his face with the hood of his cloak and refused to answer any more questions. Sanguine later admitted after some thought that half-bloods were the only exception to the eligibility restriction.

Toronto Public Health warned that the number of donors is only going to go down if Sanguine’s plan of action follows through, criticizing that numbers were low enough to begin with. Recently, the Canadian Blood Services released the statistic that only three per cent of the eligible population donates blood, and has made extensive public service announcements to encourage blood donations.

Sanguine’s solution for drawing in “the right sort” is to invite eligible donors to the tables with pumpkin juice and chocolate frogs.

If this plan doesn’t draw in enough donors, he said he’s willing to pay the extra cost of butterbeer and pumpkin pasties.

Canadian Blood Services maintains that the ban is for the safety of the general populace, and only applies to potential donors who have been muggles after 1977.

One of Sanguine’s more controversial proposals for attracting eligible donors was to station wizards around the donor tables performing “dark arts” on innocent bystanders.

“I, for one, am not opposed to implementing so-called ‘unforgivable curses’ for the greater good,” said Sanguine at the press conference. “I’m sure the Cruciatus Curse will draw some attention.” Sanguine’s proposal was opposed on the grounds of human rights violations.

Sanguine did, however, issue a warning to vampire students across Canada. Vampire students at the Keele campus are asked to avoid the Bear Pit in Central Square on their way to class.

DISCLAIMER: This issue contains works of satire. All names used in this story are invented, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names or events is accidental and coincidental.

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By Excalibur Publications



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