“Whenever I’m being assaulted or mugged, I know that the culprit is ultimately just as trapped as I am,” says satisfied inmate
Victoria Alarcon
Features & Opinions Editor
After numerous robberies and sexual assaults this year, York president Mamdouh Shoukri has decided to turn York’s Keele campus into Canada’s largest post-secondary institution/maximum security prison.
At a press conference Wednesday morning, Shoukri announced in front of the whole student body that titanium fences and double-occupancy jail cells will become a regular part of the student experience.
“With these new impenetrable fences, students can rest assured when they are being mugged or assaulted that thieves and crooks are doing the time they deserve in jail,” said Shoukri, standing beside a squadron of fully-armed enforcers. “I will stop at nothing to ensure the safety of all students.”
Since the decision was made, students are beginning to see bars being put in classrooms and electric fences surrounding the campus. The university’s financial advisors were pleased to announce that the process of turning York into a prison took less effort than they originally suspected, and that the whole project will come in significantly under budget.
“I definitely do feel like this decision is helping students,” says fourth-year psychology student Lisa King, who will receive a complimentary hoodie from administration after she survives 10 muggings. “Whenever I’m being assaulted or mugged, I know that the culprit is ultimately just as trapped as I am.”
As for criminals at York, the decision is being widely accepted and they hope York continues to make decisions of this nature. “I actually feel guilty about what I do,” says an anonymous burglar who recently gave King her 10th mugging. “I can’t escape campus, so I’m forced to wander the grounds, reflect on what I’ve done, and start fights at the Underground.”
As for York Security, they will no longer have to answer questions as to why they were not there at the time of the crime, or why they suddenly vanished when a student was in mortal danger.
“I feel like I’m finally doing my job,” says one York security officer as he prepared for his mid-afternoon nap. “I can rest easy knowing that the days of thieves escaping with students’ belongings have come to an end.”
Due to confusion as to when York officially became a prison (some say this week, others say sometime in the mid-1960s), Shoukri’s plan has no official completion date. The next phase involves converting the upcoming TTC station into a receiving dock for new prisoners and visiting friends and family.
Conjugal visits, as always, will be held in the upper floors of Scott Library.
DISCLAIMER: This issue contains works of satire. All names used in this story are invented, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names or events is accidental and coincidental.
