Save a dollar (Screw the athlete)

(Riddhi Jani)

DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.

Move aside the NCAA and their athletes, who have their faces plastered on billboards at Times Square. York is stepping it up and getting its athletes the recognition they deserve, but only the OUA athletes.

“It is time to broaden our horizons and step into the future. And this is the future. Athletes that are full-time volunteers with a student gig on the side,” says Director of Athletic Recreation Jung Patel. 

This movement is backed by York’s Athletic Board of Governors, who were in a celebratory mood after the first round of meetings. 

“To be completely honest with you, I had booked my therapist in advance and chugged Pepto Bismol before going into another round of meetings with peasants — I mean people,” says President Rhimes. 

One would think that it would take some persuasion to get the athletes to agree. But alas, you’d be wrong.

“This is not the first time and will definitely not be the last you would be wrong,” says Rhimes’ therapist, who cyber stalked us until we included this quote.

“Oh dude-bro, next season will be super lit. I mean, like, who doesn’t wanna have a full-time shtick — am I right? And like, the nice lady promised us perks and benefits too,” says Draw Dweeb, a varsity-volleyball player known for warming the seats for his fellow teammates. 

“Benefits and perks that are a part of the package deal include (and are definitely restricted to) magazines, the fishbowl office at Stong, four green couches with bubblegum (as in bubble gum stuck to em), one vintage and aged Cera-ve moisturiser (do not ask about the expiration date or the mouldy green stuff around it), and a bi-annual cleaning of the whole space”, says Chair of the ‘Not Really Union Student Athletes’ Union’ (NRUSAU) Claude Doe, representing the diverse athlete population at York. 

Doe feels proud of his negotiations, and as a former-Quidditch player, believes that this will ease the lives of his fellow athletes. “I will also let you in on a secret. Patel thinks this was his doing and the Board thinks this was their doing. But it was the OUA Athletes all along. Dun-dun dun.” (Doe demanded the dun-dun-dun to be included). 

According to Doe, all of the OUA athletes at York met in secrecy to decide on a collective action that will change the way OUA Sports is completely set aside by literally everyone. 

“I am not at liberty to discuss all the information, but I will just say this; when a bunch of fifth years put their minds to something, you better watch out,” says Chad Chalderton, captain of the Lawn Bowling team and a fellow fifth-year Lion.  

A recent development in the negotiations has also made the players very happy. If the football team can manage to win one game in the next five years, then every single OUA athlete gets a participation trophy and a five per cent discount on their trip to ‘Save the Children’ in developing countries.

About the Author

By Maryam Nihal

Sports Editor

sports@excal.on.ca

Maryam is a fourth-year student majoring in Kinesiology and Health Science. She's a huge fan of anything sports related, but loves to explore the sports realm beyond the stats and the numbers. When she’s not fielding calls from ESPN, you can find her studying, re-watching Crash Landing on You, and listen to the Taylor’s Version albums — all at the same time.

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