A man stands by the bar, freshly showered, drink in hand, smirk on his face. He’s feeling good tonight. He spots a stunning girl across the bar with long brown hair and bold red lipstick. Both perfectly complement her dress; not too low-cut, but low enough. He thinks, “I really want to talk to her,” and so why not go for it? He tells his friends he’ll be back, confidently sets his drink down, and heads towards his target. He goes up to her, but once they make eye contact, his confidence melts away. Our Casanova is nowhere to be found.
This is a common problem with many guys who suffer from “approach anxiety.” They have trouble walking up to women and starting a conversation. Usually, they end up losing the girl because they’re just too shy or don’t have the words to engage her.
Toronto dating coach Evan Dwyer has met many men who have had trouble establishing and maintaining relationships with women. A lot of them were his clients. He’s become known in Toronto as the next “Hitch,” with his help to give men the confidence they need in order to approach women they’ve just met and socialize with them.
Dwyer says that many guys don’t know what to say after they introduce themselves. They don’t know how to be playful with women or how to tease them and keep a naturally flowing conversation.
The solution to this issue simply lies in the mentality men carry with them when they talk to women.
“[Guys] seem to think that talking to a woman is drastically different from talking to a man or one of their guy friends, but it’s really not,” says Dwyer.
By carrying this mentality, men tend to over-think when they approach women and then the conversation is awkward.
It’s common for men to see women as either on a pedestal above them or as an object below them, both of which are the wrong way to look at things. Guys need to understand that women are, simply put, human beings.
In his work, Dwyer teaches guys how attraction works, and how to establish a connection with a woman.
“It’s really just bantering and teasing and being playful and light and flirtacious with women, nothing more than that,” says Dwyer who notes that it takes five to 10 minutes for a person to become attracted to another.
Establishing attraction is the most important step in moving on to a relationship. Many guys make the mistake of glossing over the importance of building the woman’s attraction towards him, and when he tries to prematurely transition into getting more intimate, he gets friend-zoned.
Once attraction is set, it’s possible to move into getting to know each other more intimately. Get curious about who she is, share stories, have down-to-earth conversations, and build a rapport with her.
“Allude to the fact that you’re attracted to her, you can verbalize it by saying ‘I’m trying really hard not to kiss you right now,’ something like that to just build the sexual tension and let her know that that’s where things are going,” says Dwyer.
When it’s appropriate, Dwyer also stresses the importance of breaking the touch barrier early on in the interaction. This will help strengthen a guy’s connection and make it clear what direction his interaction is moving in.
“You might reach over [to] pick some lint off her shirt, or it could look like putting your hand on the small of her back; just finding excusable reasons to touch her that aren’t overtly sexual,” says Dwyer.
In doing this, guys can find more natural ways through body language to move forward, making it possible to go for her number, set up a coffee date, or bring her home. It depends on what guys are looking for.
The most important advice Dwyer can give guys on the dating scene is be confident and forward, not just by being in control of yourself and being comfortable in your own skin, because women pick up on the vibes that men give off. A guy’s comfort with himself and the situation will translate and resonate in the woman he’s talking to.
“If you’re trying to fake it or pretend that you’re not feeling uncomfortable, she is still going to feel it, and it’s going to make her uncomfortable, and it’s a big downward spiral.”
Dwyer’s aim is to plant a natural confidence in the guys that he works with, and provide guys with the right tools so that they can make themselves successful.
“Once you give a guy the necessary steps to how attraction works and what it is he has to do and say, then it gives most guys a natural confidence just in knowing how it works and knowing that they have a strategy before they go in,” says Dwyer.