DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information.
The York Lions have agreed on a six-year deal with Birmingham-based company Shelby Inc., popularly known as the Peaky Blinders. The deal consumed a hefty chunk of York’s budget, as the engineering students had to construct a time machine to go back to the 1920s and bring Thomas Shelby and his gang to the present. So if you’ve been wondering why some of the furniture in Curtis Lecture Hall is in a constant state of disrepair, well, now you know where your money is going.
Shelby and his gang were not at all phased by the chrono-dimensional commute. In a press conference at Timbers Lounge, Shelby said, “We are gypsies; a little magic doesn’t faze us.” York Director of Athletics Aleka Mueller spoke about why the school chose to sign on the Peaky Blinders. “We could have easily gone for a gang somewhere in Toronto or even the United States, but we chose the Peaky Blinders simply because of the aura — I mean, have you seen Thomas Shelby?” Mueller exclaimed. “The Peaky Blinders are here to offer protection for our teams and scare off opponents so that we win our games,” she continued. “We need more trophies and banners — we’re the York Lions for Christ’s sake! A Lion without a crown is just a glorified house cat.”
Shelby also shared his excitement, more so through tone than any change in his facial expression. “We will provide protection for the Lions, as England’s coat of arms is also a Lion, so we are alike in that regard. We will scare off opponents and injure star players. As for the law, don’t worry — we have it covered. And don’t worry about Doug Ford and provincial intervention either. The great Winston Churchill is scared of me — what could Doug Ford do?” On a separate note, Shelby remarked that York’s “Gridiron team is clearly cursed, with no success in the program’s entire history. My aunt Polly will chase all those angry spirits away.”
Obviously, the deal is not free; it costs York a lot of money, and according to eyewitnesses, York President Joseph Moussa did not look happy coming out of the Kaneff Tower when negotiating with Shelby and the gang. “President Moussa looked redder than a Ferrari,” said one witness. Shelby was seen going into the room with his brother, Arthur, and aunt, Polly. It is perhaps understandable why President Moussa felt a little out of his element.
These are the details of the deal: 10 million USD in cash (Shelby seemed to harbour a disdain for Canadian currency). Shelby Inc. will also take control of all restaurants at York Lanes (as they plan to make alcohol purchasable with meal plans), and seize possession of the entire Glendon campus for Shelby’s horses. The York Lions soccer team will be named the York Stallions, and Shelby will also establish a horse-racing track on campus, the money of which will not be coming out of his pocket.
One would expect the majority of the students to be furious; York is effectively using a lot of their tuition money to fund a Birmingham gangster who is technically over 100 years old, but shockingly, students seem quite happy. In fact, York Housing Services confirms that housing is already at capacity for the upcoming academic year. Following Shelby’s changes to YU Eats regulations, students have realized that the meal plans are like free drink tickets. Eduardo, a third-year economics student, says, “Meal plan money is not my money — it comes from my parents. I technically have thousands of dollars to spend on booze.”
Other schools are not happy with this, as Shelby and his gang have already started their operations. Reports indicate that they have been threatening schools, enabling them to fix results so Shelby and others could gamble on the games. York’s local rivals from the University of Toronto seem to be the unhappiest amongst the bunch. They even tried to fight fire with fire to stop Shelby. UofT president Jake Takeuchi went on Instagram Live to express his frustrations.
“We built our own time machine to give the Lions a taste of their own medicine … We went to Chicago to get Al Capone, but for some reason, he was scared of the Peaky Blinders — even the European fascists in the 1930s did not want to smoke with Shelby. So, we went for someone who knows Shelby well, his frenemy Alfie Solomons. We gave Mr. Solomons about five million, but he rejected it, negotiating for Tommy’s money as well. After a few tense seconds, we struck a bargain and settled on 9.5 million.” Unfortunately for Takeuchi and the Varsity Blues, Mr. Solomons was seen having dinner with Shelby and later switched sides to join the Lions. That’s what happens when you trust a man from Camden Town.
The Lions are prepared to go next season undefeated across all sports. There are even Peaky Blinders hats being sold at the campus bookstore. A lot of people are excited about the Peaky Blinders’ presence on campus, even though the majority, if not all, of the tuition is going to them. It goes to show that society gravitates towards the bad guy, and you aren’t evil as long as you “got aura.” So, dear readers, channel your inner Thomas Shelby, and perhaps you too will get away with murder.
