DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information.
On March 25, a community engagement session held in the basement of the Toronto Reference Library took an unexpected turn when a men’s washroom closure led to controversy. The event, hosted by the Society for the Preservation and Enforcement of Washroom Etiquette (SPEWE), addressed the need for clearly defined and consistently enforced standards governing access to gendered washroom facilities.
Opening remarks were delivered by Pierre Poilievre, who emphasized the importance of maintaining the gender binary in the interest of protecting women and children.
“Canadians deserve clarity and common sense when it comes to shared spaces,” the Leader of the Opposition stated. “There should never be uncertainty about something as basic as which washroom a person uses. These are simple principles, and we have a responsibility to uphold them.”
Little did Mr. Poilievre know that his principles would be field-tested with unprecedented immediacy. Witnesses reported that, following his remarks, Poilievre consumed a notable quantity of pigs in a blanket before excusing himself from the room. What followed was a significant disturbance, punctuating the key-note address with what organizer Joanna Bezoar described as a “scream to melt the hair off a banshee.”
The commotion was swiftly attributed to Poilievre, who had entered the women’s facility due to the closure of the men’s washroom, resulting in an unexpected encounter with another attendee. The woman reportedly fled the premises, prompting speculation among attendees as to the nature of the encounter.
The incident prompted a heated discussion among attendees and organizers alike. Some expressed their understanding, citing the practical realities of the situation. “It’s kind of like self-preservation,” said Fred Langlock, Assistant to the library’s Vice Provost of Escalations and De-Escalations. “When the storm hits, any port will do.”
Others described the moment as unexpectedly instructive. “It made me reconsider how rigid these boundaries are,” commented volunteer pamphlet folder, Padmè Pathak. “I mean, what kind of world are we living in if we can’t relieve ourselves when we need to?”
The incident also sparked a wave of online commentary, with many arguing that the policing of washroom access is, and always has been, a “witch hunt of epic proportion.” Reddit user deafly-hellos-62442 wrote: “Crazy how it’s ‘common sense’ that all people need to use the washroom when it’s a straight white dude doing the offending.” Another user by the name of purple-reign added: “Here I am, scared for my life, but when PP has to Poo-Poo no one bats an eye.”
While Poilievre did not personally reply to Excalibur’s request for comment, a statement from his office maintained that “the circumstances surrounding [his] use of the women’s washroom were exceptional. At no point was this action intended to undermine the importance of clearly defined public facilities. Rather, it reflects the reality that infrastructure must function properly in order for such boundaries to be meaningfully upheld.”
The clarification arrives just days after Poilievre made headlines by endorsing J. K. Rowling’s support for banning transgender women from Olympic competition. The opposition leader’s statement frames such definitive boundaries as non-negotiable for women’s bodies, while treating them as flexible in his own case. Some critics are suggesting Poilievre himself should compete in the games, citing a clear aptitude for mental gymnastics.



