“Nobody has any rights” says the privileged man

(Courtesy of Pawel Czerwinski, Unsplash)

DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.

As I sit here with my Macbook Pro, an iPhone SE, AirPods, Nike runners and Levi jeans, I can proudly say with complete confidence that we don’t have any rights!

In an era of seatbelts, licenses, and identity verification, we are coming to a point where everything is becoming overly policed. Hard to believe my country expects me to get vaccinated against an airborne virus that has been straining the healthcare system, long-term care homes and the entire world’s economy for the last two years. Don’t they know we have plans? 

And no, I don’t have any other bright ideas because it’s not my concern. That’s J. Falsedeau’s job. I may not have the solutions or worthwhile resources to these issues — quite frankly, I don’t have the time, nor do I actually want to deal with them. However, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that whenever anything goes wrong, it’s solely the Prime Minister’s fault. 

I don’t really know anything that happens on Parliament Hill or any government environment in general, but with the country’s economy only going up 4.8 per cent in 2021, it’s inherently obvious that Canada is sinking faster than the SS Edmund Fitzgerald.

People in the United States never have to deal with what average Canadians deal with on a daily basis. It’s not like they’re dealing with the same pandemic, high inflation, the cost of living and soaring gas prices. The States actually have freedom, and despite their constitution being written almost 300 years ago, they know they have God-given rights. 

And we know that He never does sloppy work. 

I don’t watch the news or read mainstream media, as I refuse to believe its lies and be controlled by boring, overused narratives. It’s much easier to get information from my friends on Twitter because I know they don’t have an agenda. 

Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me if there comes a point where speaking becomes completely delegalized because people are so sensitive and easily offended. I mean, look at the Freedom Convoy. You’re telling me that Canadians can’t wave hate symbols and deface the statues of Canadian heroes who fought and died so that future generations could have questionably-better lives? 

Ultimately, you have every right to your opinion, but the truth is, mine is the only right and logical way. It’s time we stop advocating for division and push aside those weirdos who don’t believe exactly what I believe, otherwise we will never be True North — strong and free.

— Sent from my iPhone

About the Author

By Nick Mokrzewski

Former Editor

Nick is in his third year of Film Production at York University. Raised in an artistic family, he’s never had much problem expressing himself whether it be through music, writing, or comedic rants. He’s a big sucker for watching and critiquing films, going to concerts, professional wrestling, and consuming coffee or chocolate. Nick intends to have many artistic pursuits in either writing, filmmaking, or anything that involves music — whatever suits his fancy on the given day. He’ll often tell you “life is short, seize the moment ‘cause tomorrow you might be dead!”


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