DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.
After two years of theories that COVID-19 was concocted in a lab or utilized as a bioweapon, the answer is finally here: in short, COVID-19 was created by baby boomers.
Ivan M. Fickleborne, the president of the Unappreciated Seniors Society (USS, not to be confused with the band) recently released a statement declaring that it was their organization who are seemingly at fault for what became a global pandemic that has persisted for over two years.
“We had one goal in mind. We wanted to teach the youth a lesson. The freeloading millennials and the woke Gen-Z understand and appreciate nothing in life. All we intended was to infect the youth with temporary blindness so that they would get off their Tik-Tak’s and Instantgrams and appreciate life for what it is.
“We reached out to various bio-labs to create the necessary infection that would help attain our goals, but unfortunately, things got out of hand,” reads the statement. “We do not take responsibility for the final result of what became COVID-19 (a.k.a the common cold, you snowflakes). But sometimes sacrifices have to be made in order to make necessary changes.”
The statement shocked a great majority of people, calling it tone-deaf, reckless, and disturbing. Most notably, Ontario’s Premier Pug Gord condemned the USS, labelling them “bio-terrorists” and saying, “actions will be taken to ensure that a crisis of this nature will never happen again.”
Shortly after the statement was released, USS Vice President Hugh Jess Richard-Head was arrested for alleged hate crimes in affiliation with the Trucker Convoy and possession of illegally acquired Pokémon cards.
Toronto Police also released a statement saying that the USS’ assets have been frozen, all social media accounts have been suspended, and that the organization is under a “thorough investigation.”
Robin Oiseau, a fifth-year social media arts major and leader of the student club “Gen-Z Represent” recently spoke to Excalibur to weigh in on this recent revelation.
“It’s crazy how a generation of people raised by veterans and during a time of great cultural change are, in fact, the softest and most easily offended group of people in the world’s demographic.”
Fellow club member, second-year arts major and influencer DJ Panic King concurred with Oiseau, simply stating, “based.”
In a national address to the country, Canada’s Prime Minister Dustin Flubeau stated that he and other world leaders will be meeting to discuss the next steps that will be taken and has promised that they will continue to investigate the origin of COVID-19 and who worked in collaboration with the USS.