DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.
Some people know spring as the season following the harsh winter, others know it as the time of confusing weather. But for the millions of Canadians, we call spring by its real name: allergy season.
The year 2020 saw March become a much different time of the year. Not only was the COVID-19 pandemic sprouting across the world, but the start of allergy season created a more dire sense of panic. Allergy sufferers everywhere now had to ask themselves the toughest question of all: is it COVID-19 or just allergies?
Sophia Samuels, a second-year sociology student and sinus-stuffing sufferer, expresses her panic when her seasonal allergies started up again.
“My nose was running like the Mississippi river on a rainy day. It just wouldn’t stop! My eyes were puffy too, like that fish that expands when you get too close,” explains Samuels. “I was paranoid about whether I had COVID-19 or not so I drove to my closest testing centre just to make sure. Luckily for me, I was about halfway there when my nose and eyes went back to normal, so I drove back because I knew…that’s just my allergies.”
Thankfully we interviewed Samuels over Zoom because she did, in fact, have COVID-19 — according to this breaking news message we purposely delayed for dramatic purposes:
Details have just been released that seasonal allergies are joining forces with the novel coronavirus to make the lives of Ontarians moderately more miserable.
Dr. Simon N. Eeze, a professional allergist, says this new collaboration shouldn’t come as a surprise to any of us. “Allergens are small, like on a microscopic level. It makes sense for them to become friends with other things that are really small, like the COVID-19 virus.”
When asked why this hasn’t happened sooner, Eeze says, “Have you ever hit it off with somebody new right away? These relationships take time to develop a genuine connection.”
The Department of Microbular Defence (DBD) has more insight on this microscopic discovery. Dr. Wade Zumlenz, an infectious disease specialist and resident heavy-duty microscope expert for the DBD, explains what they saw on the Petri dish.
“From the specimen I analyzed, I can see a cluster of the COVID-19 virus directly in contact with the allergens,” Zumlenz says. “But if I enhance the magnification even more, there appears to be…a map…of the human body?”
Another scientist came over to take a second look, this time with a large boom mic and a pair of shiny headphones.
“I can’t believe it,” says the other scientist, only known as Mike. “They speak English! The COVID-19 virus and the allergen are organizing their plan of attack on the human body!” When asked for further analysis, Mike encouraged our reporter to check it out for themselves.
According to Excalibur’s reporter, who chooses to remain anonymous due to the scaring details witnessed, the following quote was heard: “Allergens, you aim for the sinuses. Squad 19, you attack the lungs. Team .01%, keep doing what you do best: survive.”
This “Team .01%” may refer to the germs left behind from using disinfectant on a surface. Details at this time can not be confirmed.
Yesterday on April 1, the new Provincial Health Minister Dr. Mike Dust addressed the public regarding the newest outbreaking news. “It has come to our attention that there may be a joint task force in the form of COVID-19 and common seasonal allergies. None of this has been confirmed as of yet, and should be disregarded until further notice.”
Upon further inquiry, Excalibur’s reporter discovered that Dr. Dust is really just a massively-large quantity of dust mites in a trenchcoat, while also wearing a classy fedora and glasses with a fake nose and moustache. Dr. Dust was apprehended immediately, but dispersed into the crowd of journalists who immediately began scratching themselves all over.
Excalibur’s reporter managed to escape unscathed and has been awarded with a commemorative pizza party instead of a promotion or a raise.