Biden offers Canada 1.5 million vaccines in exchange for all Roll Up to Win Tim Hortons cups of 2021

(Courtesy of Barbara Garofalo)

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It has been revealed that the 1.5 million doses of AstraZeneca vaccines arriving in Canada from the United States this week will be exchanged for all of the winning 2021 Roll Up the Rim cups from Tim Hortons stores across the country. 

The United States is currently leading worldwide in the number of vaccination doses administered, in comparison to the mere 1.8 per cent of Canada’s population fully vaccinated. The dose-sharing agreement states that Canada will send the United States 1.5 million vaccines back in coming months — but according to Press Secretary Jen Pskai, Canada’s need for vaccines and the fleeting game of the annual Roll Up the Rim share “an equal value of necessity for the President of the United States.”

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced in a press conference this past week that getting Canadians vaccinated is the “top priority” for the federal government — one that according to Trudeau is “just slightly more important than the possibility of winning a new 2022 Volkswagen Taos Highline with the purchase of a small double-double.”

This trade news comes just as Tim Hortons announced that they have retired the ‘Roll Up the Rim’ slogan for the 2021 playing period, and replaced it with their new Roll Up to Win system. Each cup will now contain a prize including free drinks, gift cards, vehicles, vacations and the one in 30,000,000 chance of receiving a COVID-19 vaccine before the end of the year. 

As of next week, all Roll Up to Win prizes will be allotted to United States President Joe Biden. 

United States Secretary of Coffee Chains and Breakfast Sandwiches, Duncan D. Naughts, notes that the dose-sharing trade deal was agreed to by both parties after each world leader was encouraged to offer up what they believe to be their country’s “most valuable export.” 

“It’s time to show Canada what America really runs on,” says Naughts, in reference to the vaccination efficiency of the United States. 

While there is little information available to the public yet on how the prizes will be distributed once being claimed by the 46th President, Naughts explains that the U.S.-Canadian border will be opened to transport each free small black coffee and donut to the White House when needed. 

The trade deal however — now known online as Roll-Up-Rim Gate — has received backlash from many Canadians. 

One Twitter user, who is known online under the alias @icequeencoffeemom68, called the trade deal “quite possibly the greatest injustice any Canadian will ever have to face.” Upon further investigation of their Twitter page, it was found that this user had been banned from several local Tim Hortons establishments for refusal to wear a mask while ordering. 

“We will all have to sacrifice just a bit of our Canadian identity for the greater good of the country,” said Trudeau. “The exchanging of these cups is a small price to pay for us Canadians to roll up our sleeves for the vaccine.

 All winning cups will be collected and shipped out to the United States immediately. Any Canadian citizen harbouring a winning cup will be tried with treason.

About the Author

By Sarah Garofalo

Assistant News Editor

asstnews@excal.on.ca

Sarah is in her fourth year of Film Studies at York University. She is passionate about using writing as a tool to educate herself and introduce others to hidden stories and new ideas. In the future, she hopes to continue her studies in film and merge it with her love of writing and journalism. You can always find Sarah sketching, painting or endlessly watching films while waiting to get back into movie theatres.

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