DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.
York has announced the formation of a new media team for its media team, which is slated to begin work on April 1. The team, called York Media Media, is not to be confused with the existing media team, known simply as York Media. York Media Media will be the new first point of contact in order to make York’s media release process even more streamlined than it already is.
“We aim to make it easier for anyone who wishes to get in contact with a member of York’s administration, faculty, or any other community member worth a voice,” says Brenda Grace, who serves as the new assistant spokesperson to the assistant spokesperson of the university.
Members of the York community with inquiries can reach out to email@example.com with their questions.
“Instead of emailing who you want to get in touch with directly, simply email York Media Media,” says Grace. “We will then forward your email to York Media, who will forward the email to the appropriate staff member. Then, York Media will forward their email back to us, who will forward it to you and so on. I can’t imagine a more efficient way to get in touch with York’s representatives!”
Lena Dyer, a third-year papier-mâché studies student and editor of Macrylin College’s magazine, has expressed some qualms about the new media team’s speed.
“I reached out to York Media Media asking for a photo of a new art installation by Scott Library. Unfortunately, by the time I received the image forwarded from the Dean of Landscaping, almost a month had passed and the sculpture had already been consumed by squirrels.”
When asked via email about the amount of time it takes to complete the email referral process, Grace referred Excalibur to a statement by York Media Media:
“We are pleased to announce the beta launch of York Media Media, a media team tailored to the unique needs of York’s media team,” the statement reads. “We can assure you that the introduction of this team will lead to more timely and in-depth answers than ever before.”
Meanwhile, some are raising concerns about the quality of information this new media team might be producing.
“I received a quote that the new media team says was from President Yolanda Pelton, but I’m not so sure,” says a student who wishes to remain anonymous out of fear for his safety. “Each letter of the quote appeared to be copied-and-pasted from a different source, all in different fonts, sizes, and colours. I became worried that I was receiving some sort of ransom note, or a piece of secret code.”
He adds that following this perturbing incident, he decided to take the leap and reach out to a few sources directly, starting with emails to the President, the Registrar, and the Faculty of Logic:
“Within ten seconds I received three responses coming from the personal email addresses of the people I had sent them to. The content was identical, and it was all signed by Brenda. How did she gain access to all of these email addresses? Doesn’t she have to do two-factor authentication?”
He adds that since then, he’s been plagued by night terrors. “I haven’t been able to sleep since — when was the last time anyone’s really spoken to President Pelton?”
When asked about the whereabouts of the sources they speak on behalf of, York Media Media stated that York Media has informed them that President Pelton says there’s no cause for alarm.