DISCLAIMER: Stories and images published in this week’s issue under satire (with the exception of advertisements) are purely satirical and created purely for entertainment and/or parody purposes. They are not intended to communicate any accurate or factual information. Some names used in Excalibur’s satire stories are fictional, and any resemblance to actual persons or entities may be purely coincidental.
With the rise of the geese population at York, these infamous creatures have not just taken the campus peace and sidewalks, but the beloved York Lions as well. Students, faculty, and alumni are shocked and disturbed. Out with Yeo the Lion, comes Gandalf the Goose.
“Yeo the Lion was not adaptable for the change of times,” says Mennifer Jyers, executive director of athletics and recreation at York. “We had to take in consideration the presence of geese on our campus. This is the bird York is known for and we must be proud for staying true to the Canadian identity,” Jyers continues.
Captain of York’s Foosball team, Justin Callaway says that “this decision is an embarrassment for me, my team, and the entire athletic community here at York. We are shocked by this decision and are not looking forward to the mocking coming our way from other school teams.”
Gandalf the Goose has gotten much backlash and hate. What does Gandalf the Goose have to say for himself? “Well, I think I am quite misunderstood. I don’t mean no harm and I am trying my best to adapt to this change, which frankly I didn’t want. I was content with scaring and hissing at students and pooping on the sidewalk with all the rest of the geese, but no! They just had to get me involved with sports — what kind of goose gives off an athletic vibe?” Gandalf the Goose relays frustratingly.
Gandalf the Goose has decided to take out his frustrations by blocking students and not letting them walk down certain paths, shouting “you shall not proceed!” and, “fly, you morons!”
As the news of this change ventures far and wide, coach Vance Corter couldn’t resist giving his two cents on this matter, “Geese are not winners, in my team and school we act, play, and are winners. I can only relay my condolences for students who have to unfairly deal with this utter nonsense.”
York alumni and former football star at York, Michael Rodrigo feels ashamed and disappointed. “My years playing for York was the best time of my life. My former team members and I played valiantly for a school we were proud of. A goose? What a disgrace. That’s why we call them ‘the good old days’.”
First-year student Lisa Enderson relays that she was not proud of coming into a school with a goose as a mascot. “Geese are vile, triggering, and disgusting. The amount of times I have gotten goose poop stuck on my shoe is more than I can count, and have you seen them hiss?” Enderson says.
On March 27, the York community assembled and organized a protest to bring back Yeo the Lion, where students part of the athletic department have vowed “to not return to classes until Yeo’s return.”
With the uprising of the protest, Renton gives their official statement: “We have seemed to have run into an unexpected turn of events. The administration and the athletics department truly did not foresee the backlash against Gandalf the Goose. We have set a meeting to discuss a potential agreement and come to a common ground for a mascot that all will love and accept.”