Sex tales from the front

Excalibur’s editors share some of their own intimate
excapades (anonymously).

Cut short
It had been weeks since we last played around.
We got through the small talk, had our convivial cup of coffee and had edited an essay. That’s when she grabbed me and threw me on the couch.
“So you want to, uh, have some fun?” she jerked her eyebrow at me.
I nodded.
She planted her high-heeled shoe deep in my crotch.
Her phone rang. She answered. Waiting, I dialed in to extend my Zipcar reservation – I’d never get back home in time.
That’s when I heard those dreaded words: “This reservation cannot be extended.”
Fuck.

One night stand-in
Well, at least she seemed to be enjoying herself.
I was finally having porn star-caliber sex, but I was only making a cameo appearance in my own bed.
She just wasn’t willing to work with me. It was like I was trying to salsa while she was dutty wining. When she reached around to smack her own ass, she jabbed her thumb in my eye. I think she even Shoryuken’d me (look it up) on the way back up from oral.
My orgasm was less exclamation point and more ellipsis.
It was the worst sex I ever had. In my opinion, good sex is two people working to find out what works for both of them. With her, I felt I’d ordered combo number three, and it was a popular choice.

Coconuts
I cannot ever fully recover from my sexual screw-ups.
My partner and I, engaging in perhaps our second ever mind-mind, body-body meld, moved into the “69” position.
I pushed off of the mattress to bring my body higher up on the bed and heard a coconut-knock sound. In my blind thrust for a better position, my knee connected with her brain container.
Though my partner was lovely enough to laugh off the error, I felt awkward the whole time. I’m sure the oral sex reflected this.

Blue
Dry humping on a former girlfriend’s leather couch – pants on, shirts off – was sticky.
I clumsily tried to remove her bra. After several minutes of biting my tongue like I was cracking a safe, she got annoyed.
She rolled her eyes, and without a word, unlatched her bra.
She put her hand down my pants, grabbed me and, when things were just getting interesting, we heard someone open the door.
We scrambled into our clothes, and in the panic donned each other’s socks. Just before her parents entered, we turned on the TV and sat down and sprang to either end of the sofa.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the shade of blue my balls were for the rest of the night.