I put on my best and most fabulous outfits, throw on glitter, do my makeup, and by the end of the night, feel just the slightest bit dejected. Now this doesn’t sound particularly bad. But there’s this feeling that’s difficult to name.
I’ve noticed over the years how the eyes of a guy cruising the crowd pass right over me. How I don’t have many guys try to engage me in conversation even if I start it. How I can’t recall many positive experiences in my dating/hook up life. Or even how I’m rarely invited to hang out with people.
I’ve come to understand that this has a lot to do with undesirability through similar stories coming from friends. Let’s look at what is deemed desirable. There is a long list of traits, but if we look at positive representations of who we see in positions of power, on billboards, on video, etc., it’ll give us a rough idea.
To spell it out: white, ablebodied, fit, heterosexual, cisgender, gender normative, young, and likely middle class are desirable people. So as someone who is mixed race (but I pass as white), somewhat visibly disabled, fat, queer, transfeminine, somewhat poor, and in my mid-20s, I embody a lot of what is not deemed desirable.
In my conversations with other people who feel undesirable and affirmed by texts on undesirability, I’ve noticed this has so much to do with who we are and how we’re understood and valued. One of my friends is overlooked because she uses a wheelchair, and that makes you practically invisible.
Whenever I develop a crush on a guy, the first thing that pops up into my head is sexual orientation: “Are they gay? Oh wait, I’m not a boy. Are they straight? Oh wait. They expect me to have a vagina and might be afraid that I’ll make them gay. Are they bi/pan/fluid/ queer? Goddess, I really hope they are.”
I feel like a minority in a minority in a minority. Even if they are bi/pan/fluid/queer, does that mean they’re into femininity? I look at the ads on websites and constantly hear how gay men want masculinity.
With those looking for trans women (or other transfeminine spectrum people), I expect what feels like an even higher degree of body policing than what is expected of non-trans women. I also can’t help but notice how many of my friends who are trans- feminine have little dating experience while many transmasculine people I know are in relationships and non-consensual touches by disrespectful people don’t count.
When I do find videos depicting bodies that are of colour, fat, or trans, the language used doesn’t sound all that positive. They often rely on stereotypes and don’t really depict the diversity of bodies that exist. These bodies are often limited to a single category while “normal” people frolic freely across every other category.
Further, our diverse bodies are in themselves often understood more like fetishes. Are our bodies fetishes? When we look at which bodies are found in porn and how they’re talked about, does anyone notice any similarities to feeling undesirable?
The fact that I don’t see bodies like mine at all in porn and that I have a hell of a time getting jobs and housing and dates is rather telling. Being undesirable has a lot to do with what kinds of opportunities we get. When you’re on a hiring com- mittee, or a doctor, lawyer, or the mayor of Toronto, try to ask yourselves, what kinds of issues the person in front of you may be facing and think about prejudices that may be commonly associated with them.
Think about how you treat them. I just want to feel like a human being and be respected for who I am.
Bridget Liang
Supplement Coordinator
I may not say much but I still read every post here! I have little iertnest in football games these days but its still fun to read your progress Not-greg.Incase you ever thought about going back and trying online, I have two words for you- do not.I fired up FIFA for one match, hit ranked online quick match. After a million cannot connects it found me a suitable opponent. After his flicked automatically to the ever popular Barcelona, I picked my Valencia side. Needless to say I couldnt get out of my own half as he sprint clamped into me. I was a respectable 2-0 down at half time (although I hadn’t seen their goal). To make matters worse, his user name Rauooll97 (its scary to think thats his age) was giving me confusing insults down his mic. Tried to change to 4-5-1 to find more space for passes but he decided to just pass the ball in the back for the first minute of the 2nd half, and doing keep ups to humiliate me’. I pressed the PS button, held it in, scrolled to turn system off and that was that.But there was no rage quitting, just a calm I knew it would still be like this’.